My thoughts on my Tribe

I’m real big on Tribe. When I became a mother, I immediately began to grasp how important having a community is, and how much I needed to get myself one.

I joined La Leche League. I joined an Attachment Parenting group. I sometimes went to homeschooling group events (with my 3 month old!) because I knew some of the parents there and I knew I wanted to Unschool.

 Around the time Zibby turned one, I asked a woman from LLL, who lived close to me, if she wanted to start hanging out once a week. I sent her this article and she said it sounded good. we agreed to rotate houses. Whoever was the guest brought lunch for all, and the host provided dinner, but we both made the meals, and the husbands were expected to share dinner with us all, too. We did it for almost 3 years until her kids were in school and the schedules conflicted too much. I think we both had fun (and our kids, too) and we both learned so much from each other. Our husbands carpool to work in the winter, we swap childcare, we drive one another to the airport, she attended the birth of my son. They are in our Tribe. 

When Zibby was almost 2 we started going to the open gym offerings of two homeschool/unschooling groups.  That January I somehow found myself on vacation with 2 other radically unschooling moms and their kids. (They had two each and I just had ZIbby) We had such a great time and it was my first real taste of seeing Radical Unschooling in action.  It was so much fun and we moms spent countless hours talking “shop” about parenting, radical unschooling, attachment parenting, extended breastfeeding, etc. It was wonderful. I was growing my Tribe.  

I became a LLL leader and feel like my coleaders have Tribe status  

Last year  a few moms and I started a playgroup with the idea that it would grow and develop our family friendships. We’ve vacationed together in various combinations, we see each other at family occasions, we are all part of the larger unschooling community. It feels amazing. To know and see people on a regular basis who have the same ideals, goals and challenges. We all have similar perspectives. I can vent about nursing my 4.5 year old, and no one is going to say, Why havent you weaned already? I can vent about going stir crazy with two kids at home and no one tells me I should put them in school already, or that I should put them in daycare and get back to work. They listen, they empathize, they offer me constructive ways to cope. We laugh, we cry, we understand.  

I do remember one specific day at the pool with my friend Barrie. I dont remember exactly who was there, but it was people from the homeschool group, some of her personal longtime friends, but I saw a mom nursing in the pool, then I saw a mom nursing over on a chair, another mom nursing a toddler, and everyone was talking about mindful parenting and unschooling and fun stuff to do and one mom was singing songs and everyone was so happy-I thought to myself, “I have found my people.”

I know that I’m lucky that there are 2 pretty active homeschool groups in my city. Not everyone is a radical unschooler, but there are a few of us. Even so, the big activities are mostly hang at the park adn the beach and share gym space in the winter.  I feel like I have been vocal and taken the initiative to spend time with the people I feel a connection with. I wont name names, they should know who they are

Then, of course, are my online Tribemates. I know them from lists, from message boards, yahoo groups, and from the two Live and Learn conferences I attended. We share stories, triumphs, challenges, and artwork I have learned SO MUCH of what I know from them. I owe Sandra Dodd, Joyce Fetterol, Pam Sorooshian, Ren Allen, Kelly Lovejoy, Beth Fuller and many other listowners and website owners a debt of gratitude for freely sharing their wisdom and creating forums for people to discuss the finer points of unschooling. I was pregnant when I first read online about unschooling and I knew immediately that it was where I wanted to be, where I wanted my family to be. When I am feeling challenged or stuck, reading or posting online gets me pretty immediate feedback and dialog. Its such a gift!

I do feel a sense of sadness that I dont have the same kinds of feelings about my family of origin. I know some of them read this blog, but actually, its been a topic Ive been thinking about a lot lately. Im not going to say any of this to make any one feel badly, but I think its an important part of why I am the person I am and the person I want to be.I have very conflicting and ambivalent emotions and thoughts about my family. I think this is the natural outcome of “mainstream” parenting. As a child, I was subject to rules, expectations, consequences, punishments. I was spanked, I was grounded and yelled at and lectured and shamed and told it was all for my own good. But I dont think it is natural to trust or love unquestioningly people who do those kinds of things to you. Its self preservation to distance yourself from pain and suffering.  I know in my head that my parents loved me (well, they *say* they did/do) (see what I mean?) but I didnt FEEL it. And although I’d say that me and my parents have an ok relationship right now, for me, the past is always bubbling underneath and it can still be painful. 

I truly believe that mindful parenting and radically unschooling will allow my husband and I to have unconditionally loving and respectful relationships with our kids. Sharing our lives with other radical unschoolers reinforces that for me, and gives us all more confidence that it can be done, and that it is possible. 

Filed under daily life | Comments (6)